I'm a forty year old divorcey with no kids, no job, running out of money with a rockstar sized drug and alocohol problem. I spent nearly 400,000 dollars in cash over the last 7 years or so. Living life in the fast lane and in the extra slow hammock lane. Maybe it was the divorce that did me in? Or maybe it was my prolonged substance abuse. I'm not really sure exactly where or when I kind of lost my will to live. I wake up for my slumbers with a sense of emptiness. No one is waiting for me. I have no future appointments. I have no idea of what I will be doing beyond that moment. Do I really need to wake up? Why must I arrange food or comfort or projects to keep me fed, warm and occupied? This seems mundane and unnecessary. I've played my roles in society. I was once a millionaire if only on paper and only for 3 days. I have a pilot's license. I've owned an airplane, several motorcycles, and an expensive convertible German sports car. Had a beautiful, smart, successful wife with playboy looks and a rock hard ass. A woman who dressed to kill and fucked liked a porn star.I could continue to present my evidence of success but I'l stop there.
This man today has almost nothing. A fall from Everest type heights. There was a breaking point. I'm pretty sure it was in my office at Adobe Systems where I was working as a software engineer. The moment I realized the woman I loved was in love with some one else. I'll spare the exact details. Even typing those words at this moment some 7 years later, my chest has this deep sense of regret and heartbreak. I really never fully recorved from that moment. Something in my brain snapped. I had been with this woman for 17 years. We were fifteen when we met, just kids. I'd worked and been faithful. I provided a nice life for my woman. I played the game, for my wself not just her. Then this breaking point. This frustration. This dysillusionment. This dissatisfaction. This moment where I decided enough was a enough. I was checking out for a while, and I vowed not to work until I'd run out of money. What I really meant was if I don't die from the excessively risky lifestyle, I was going to kill myself at zero.
So approaching zero... what am I thinking. First off, I'm really fucking tired all the time. I'm burnt out. It took so much energy to conquer the first half of my life. Do I have to muster up the energy to do that again. I did not like it. It took so much out of me. I don't wanna ever go back to having a real job so I write you my thoughts in hopes that it may pay the bills. Shall be seen. Even with that... I find it terribly difficult to wake up everyday. I'm not one to off myself. Not yet. Seems unfair to the rules of the game. Seems like fair play is to be taken out of the game, not take yourself out. Yet still I have no will to live.
This game sucks... I know what I feel like knowing... and even that bothers me. Life is cruel, violent, and dark. There was darkness before light. There was violence before calm. There was Devil before God. This is truly disheartenbing. I have not much will to wanna perform tricks in its twisted little circus show any longer. I wish to be set free from this man machine so I can have peace. I have no peace. Tomorrow I'll crawl out of my slumber to do it all again... even without the will to do it. Really? Why? Suffer? Really. "Because that's the rules earthlings. Now go get some money so you don't die! Muhahahaah"
