Leaving for Spain

What a crazy day. This is a picture of me with pretty much everything I own(except my ultralight airplane... I'll sell that later). I have so many loose ends that haven't been tied up. Oh well... Stacie is a great sport, considering how painful the last few months have been. She is handling the sale of my car and other crap I never finished. No matter how much you love someone break ups are never easy. 17 years of being together makes it even worse. Saying goodbye at the airport was especially painful. We both sobbed realizing that we'd probably never live under the same roof again.

This morning Adria met me at Pike's Market to say goodbye. She even gave me a new fresh journal to draw in. What a cool chic. She understands my love for Stacie and how painful it's been... she is a great listener... but I think she still isn't totally understanding of my love for her. I do have to say... she is awfully reluctant to throw me a good kiss. I'll work on that in 90 days. I so wanted to take her breathe away but instead felt like a 12 year old attempting to kiss a girl for the first time. Not really the way I wanted her to remember me... but oh well. I tried. Goodbye cold, rainy Seattle.

Adam Goldberg's wife is no longer with us

I found out tonight from my life long best friend John Paul Leonard that Adam's wife died last year from Lupis. Adam has always been a deep soul and fan of my work. John told me he helped hang Salvador Dali prints at his house in Kennesaw, GA this afternon. I made a promise to John that I would bury "one free pass to heaven" (inspired by Pope Dano) for Rachel on the beach in front of Dali's house. May Rachel rest in peace. She was a beautiful soul... whose time was tragically cut short. A reminder of why my journey is so important. Time here is short. Make the most of it.

Adria... My New Muse

Her name is Adria. She works as a bartender at the Mars Bar. She is a writer, singer, artist and muse. When my life started to fall apart she was there to witness it. She immediately made an attempt to heal my heart by trying to buy me a subscription to my favorite art magazine "Juxtapose". She knew I needed to quit my job and took my Adobe badge and pinned it to the wall. I went back the next day to retrieve it. Little did I know 7 months later my badge would be permanently pinned to that wall by her. When I'm in her presence I feel like home. I've always had a little crush on her... but it was only a crush. Thursday January 18th 2007 my feelings for her changed. I went to tell her I had quit my job and was moving to Spain. She spent some time with me after work... I realized that night that I was truly in love with her.

It was time to leave. The bar was closed. I stood out in the cold with the doors locked behind me. As I waited in the cold for a cab I realized that the girl I loved was in there and I was out here. It was at that precise moment that my anger for this fucked up situation and stupid heart of mine set in. It was at that moment that I realized I was going to have more than a door between us... probably forever. I was going to be on the other side of the planet and our lives were most probably going to fork forever. She would never be mine. I started yelling at the Mars bar and banging on the glass... I needed her attention... I needed for her to feel my pain. I think deep down I wanted her to hate me so I could I could hate her. It was too painful to fathom going to Spain with these feelings in my heart. When she came out, I yelled "Fuck you Adria!" I wanted her to say "You're an asshole and I don't want to ever see you again.", but she didn't. I texted messaged her on my way home "U suck". She once again felt my pain and called to make sure I was ok. Why wouldn't she tell me she hated me and never wanted to see me again? Why? I don't know why. All I know is I am in love with her and will always be in love her... and now there is the huge hole in my heart because I know she will never be mine... and I must go on a journey alone without her.

Thank you so much for making me love again. Even when I'm hurting I feel alive in a great way... my heart aches for you... and it feels great. This pain actually feels so good. I am so alive. I love you. Thanks for inspiring me the way Stacie did when I was a kid.

My plan of action

Next week I will be on an airplane to Barcelona Spain. My first stop will be Salvador Dali's house in Port Lligat. I have allowed myself one week of cash to get settled. After that my plan is to live a life that does not include the exchange of cash. Of course in a dire situation I have my nest egg to draw from. My goal is to paint on the streets and barter paintings for food, lodging, transportation, etc. I realize that art has no monetary value. Art is in the world to inspire to others... I am in the world to inspire others. I hope that with every exchange of art I will create a story for the person that aquired my art through exchange of something. In doing this I feel that my life will be art, I will be art, I will be happy, I will die with a smile on my face.

A new life begins

My whole life I have dreamed about one thing... being a great artist. However, I have not been living that dream. The moment has come to start that journey. I quit my job as a software engineer at Adobe Systems. I've given away all of my art that has been sitting hidden away in storage. I committed to my divorce from my eternal love Stacie. Her place as a muse in my life is final... and I hope that we will be friends forever. I have rid myself of all my material possessions. Save one thing. A substantial amount of cash in my checking account.