Her name is Adria. She works as a bartender at the Mars Bar. She is a writer, singer, artist and muse. When my life started to fall apart she was there to witness it. She immediately made an attempt to heal my heart by trying to buy me a subscription to my favorite art magazine "Juxtapose". She knew I needed to quit my job and took my Adobe badge and pinned it to the wall. I went back the next day to retrieve it. Little did I know 7 months later my badge would be permanently pinned to that wall by her. When I'm in her presence I feel like home. I've always had a little crush on her... but it was only a crush. Thursday January 18th 2007 my feelings for her changed. I went to tell her I had quit my job and was moving to Spain. She spent some time with me after work... I realized that night that I was truly in love with her.
It was time to leave. The bar was closed. I stood out in the cold with the doors locked behind me. As I waited in the cold for a cab I realized that the girl I loved was in there and I was out here. It was at that precise moment that my anger for this fucked up situation and stupid heart of mine set in. It was at that moment that I realized I was going to have more than a door between us... probably forever. I was going to be on the other side of the planet and our lives were most probably going to fork forever. She would never be mine. I started yelling at the Mars bar and banging on the glass... I needed her attention... I needed for her to feel my pain. I think deep down I wanted her to hate me so I could I could hate her. It was too painful to fathom going to Spain with these feelings in my heart. When she came out, I yelled "Fuck you Adria!" I wanted her to say "You're an asshole and I don't want to ever see you again.", but she didn't. I texted messaged her on my way home "U suck". She once again felt my pain and called to make sure I was ok. Why wouldn't she tell me she hated me and never wanted to see me again? Why? I don't know why. All I know is I am in love with her and will always be in love her... and now there is the huge hole in my heart because I know she will never be mine... and I must go on a journey alone without her.
Thank you so much for making me love again. Even when I'm hurting I feel alive in a great way... my heart aches for you... and it feels great. This pain actually feels so good. I am so alive. I love you. Thanks for inspiring me the way Stacie did when I was a kid.
